Understanding Men and Women Needs in Marriage: When I got married in 2017, as far as I was concerned, I was doing a lot of good stuff as a good husband. I was the best husband that existed on planet earth in my head.

Then the day came when we had a little misunderstanding, during the argument I said, “After all I am doing in this home and for you”, and my wife responded to me, “there is nothing you are doing for me! I almost went nuts.

I was so confused. Was I such a bad husband? No off-course. I was a great husband; I was doing great stuff for my wife. I was lost in my thoughts thinking about what she said.

Well, I later found out by books that when a woman is NOT satisfied, she uses the word “Nothing”. If you are doing nine out of ten things right and you are getting one thing wrong, as far as she is concerned, you are doing all ten things wrong.

So, what was the issue, as a man yes, I was doing some great stuff, but I was doing for her the things that I liked as a man. Not knowing that her needs were different from mine.

For instance, if I came home confused about an issue, and shared it with my wife, I would want my wife to think about a solution with me, and I would be excited if by the time we go to bed, we have solved the puzzle.

But for my wife, if there was an issue, and she shared it with me, I would respond to the issue with a solution in less than two minutes. For me it’s all about solving the problem, but for her, it’s not about solving the problem, it’s about a listening ear, encouragement, and affirmation.


Let me try to make it simpler, I have a Car. The needs of my car are different from my needs. For instance, if I am hungry, I will love to eat Fried Rice and Chicken, with a chilled glass of juice.

Now no matter how much I love my car, if it needs servicing, I won’t give my car my needs, I can’t pour fried rice and chicken into the fuel tank, and a cold glass of juice into the engine, because that is what I enjoy.

No, I won’t, this is because my car has its own needs. What it needs is Fuel and Engine Oil. I must cater for the cars needs according to how it functions.

So, in understanding Men and Women Needs in Marriage, we need to know that men and women have different needs! It does’t take science to tell us that. All we need to do is look at how any group of guys or girls interact to begin to see some differences. We as couples must learn to satisfy the needs of our spouses according to how they are wired, and not how we are wired.

  • When guys need encouragement, they typically go for the slap on the back from the guys on the court. When women need encouragement, they want hugs from supportive friends.
  • Men look to their friends to be just company. Women want emotional connection in friendships. For women, it has not been a good time if they haven’t had a good laugh or a good cry.
  • Men think of intimacy in physical terms (S-E-X); women think of intimacy in emotional terms (T-A-L-K).

Read Also: What Truly Matters in a Successful Marriage or Relationship

So how are you supposed to know what your husband or wife wants and needs? Successful Marriages will look at the top six love needs for husbands and wives – and how you can meet your spouse’s needs.

A Wifes top Six love needs

  1. Unconditional love and acceptance. Imagine your spouse loving you completely, without even hesitating over your mistakes. Sounds just like Christ, does it not? That is the core of unconditional love, and He is the source of it. You can reflect God’s love for her and your love for her by encouraging her, standing with her, complimenting her, respecting her opinion, talking with her – and listening, spending time with her and serving her.
  2. Emotional intimacy and communication. When your wife hears the word intimacy, she thinks about emotional connection and communication. She wants a marriage that has vulnerable sharing of inner thoughts, feelings, spirit, and true self. Listen to her. Show her an understanding heart. Give her attention and affection. Build rapport with her. Resolve conflict and safeguard your relationship.
  3. Spiritual intimacy. A wife wants a marriage as a cord with three strands: God, husband, and wife. She wants God to be inextricably woven throughout the marriage relationship. She needs to be growing spiritually and watching you grow spiritually and leading the home. To do so, encourage her spiritual growth, encourage her fellowship with you and others, encourage her to express her spiritual gifts and encourage her with your prayers.
  4. Encouragement and affirmation.To keep a bounce in her step, give her daily doses of encouragement. Tell her she’s your best friend, that she is the best wife, give her some space when she needs it, leave her thank-you notes and give your wife extra help with chores. Encourage her by understanding her wiring, giving her first place, pointing out her potential and appreciating her contribution.
  5. Friendship. To your wife, friendship means heart-to-heart communication, special time away with you and growing old together. It involves togetherness. She needs you to work hard at your marriage – to laugh together, play together, stay the course, and work out the inevitable differences between you.
  6. Gifts. Gifts show love and affection and can also signal appreciation. Trust me, when you become a great gift giver, your status and desirability as a romantic partner increase exponentially. Study your wife to know the kind of things she like, buy her those things, be attentive to what she needs or what she lacks and buy them for her. Even if she earns her own money, give her your own money as a gift. That one is sweeter.

A husbands top six love needs

  1. Unconditional love and acceptance. When your husband needs your unconditional love, it simply means that he needs you to love him and receive him no matter what. Unconditional love starts with God: He loved us even though we did not deserve it. He loves us even though we are full of pride and selfish. In the same way, put aside your own needs to meet your husband’s needs.
  2. Sexual intimacy. Less than 50 per cent and up to 90 per cent of a man’s self-image is locked up in his sexuality. Sex, passion, pleasing the woman he loves – that’s what makes a man feel like a man. Consequently, when a man experiences sexual rejection from his wife, he may shut down, pull away – or worse – do something morally stupid. To meet his sexual needs, talk to God about any hesitation you have. Start with your own heart; learn what satisfies your husband and commit yourself to meet his needs.
  3. Respect. As far as men are concerned, respect is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Respect means that you recognise that your husband is a whole person, and not just a way to get something that you want. It means that you know your husband has different experiences and opinions from you, and that’s ok, because you will be willing to listen and obey him, as long as it does not hurt you physically. Women must learn to allow men to lead. Go to your man and ask him for advice.
  4. Friendship. Are you the one person your husband can count on when the rubber meets the road? Your husband needs your friendship. He needs to know – deep down – that he is safe to explore with you what is churning around in his heart and mind. Let your husband know you want to be his best friend. Make your relationship a safe place for your husband to face his pain and be willing to love sacrificially.
  5. Encouragement and affirmation. Your husband will feel discouraged and defeated when he does not hear you cheering him on – or he will seek the applause somewhere else. When he knows that he is the only one in your world, the walls around your marriage grow stronger. Encourage him to hear your applause. Encourage him by reminding him of God’s work in his life. Most importantly, pray for him to hear the applause of heaven – to know God is on his side!
  6. Spiritual intimacy. Your husband needs to be growing spiritually. He needs spiritual connection with God, with you and with other men. Being the spiritual leader of your family is the toughest job your husband will ever take on, and he needs your help. Encourage him to spend personal time in the Word, talk about Scripture with him, pray with him, pray for him, and make time for fellowship and worship together.

Meeting your spouse’s love needs is one of the most important responsibilities you have in your marriage. So, take the time to learn your spouse’s love needs – and meet them! It will bring you closer and help you build an extraordinary marriage!

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